Differences between my two pregnancy's

 Pregnancy is meant to be an amazing time. 

For those of you who didn't know, my first pregnancy when I was 14 landed up as a miscarriage, but my second pregnancy, the baby I am carrying now, has made it all the way through to viability, so I thought I would share the two pregnancy experiences.

My first pregnancy.

Back in 2018, I fell pregnant with twins when I was only fourteen years old. I found out quite early on I was pregnant. I didn't have much morning sickness, and the major symptom I had was my back pain; it was super bad, and I used to find it hard to walk at times. At that time, I was sleeping on a single mattress on my bedroom floor because my room was so small, and I didn't have room for a bed with my couch in the way, which could have been contributing to that. 

Other than that, I didn't get many symptoms to say; the twin's father left me after I started bleeding, but it wasn't very much, so I didn't expect a miscarriage until I went for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks 6 days and found out there was no viable pregnancy but two empty sacs signalling I was going to have twins but miscarried.

Dealing with the loss of my pregnancy was really hard on me and made me really depressed again. I was always told I would never get pregnant, so it made me think that even if I did get pregnant later on that, I wouldn't be able to carry to term, and that was really hard on me when I had always wanted children. 

I never got an answer on why I had miscarried, but I put it down to stress because I was really stressed throughout the pregnancy. Doing later research on my Endometriosis, I found out that it can also cause a miscarriage.

My second pregnancy.

I fell pregnant again in 2020, a few months after I had a laparoscopy for my endometriosis. I again found out quite early on that I was pregnant, but this time, my morning sickness was through the roof; even now, I still throw up from time to time.

The first trimester I didn't really go anywhere because of how sick I was; I had cramping really early on, which made it super nerve-wracking because I was just waiting for a miscarriage to start; I held no hope this pregnancy would last and as every day passed and I fell more in love with my child my fear of losing baby grew. 

I tried not to be so stressed, and having my partner beside me helping me through it definitely helped; I don't think I would have coped as well as I did if it wasn't for him, and it made me realize just how supportive he was compared to the twins' dad. 

I needed the twin's miscarriage experience to really appreciate the life growing inside of me. I'm seventeen and living out of home this time around, and everything just fell into place for this baby to be made possible. 

Some days I find myself wishing I was no longer pregnant because of how horrible I feel. Then I remind myself that I can't cope with losing another pregnancy, and it pushes me back into reality where yes, pregnancy sucks, but in the end, it's over quickly anyway,y and what you get out of the horrible days is much better than the pain of losing your children. 

I think the biggest difference between my two pregnancies isn't the symptoms, the number of children I am carrying or the fact one landed up as a miscarriage. Its people's responses. 

When I was fourteen, it was full of hate, people telling me to get an abortion, telling me I will land up on the streets and homeless for having a child so young. Now that I'm seventeen, I still have peoples negativity for being pregnant so young, but I have so much more support from the wider public. People wanting me to have my rainbow baby, praying she is healthy. People want to know how I am not so they can hate me, but they can try and give me support.

Pregnancy is rough no matter how old you are, What other conditions you may have or who you have supporting you but every moment with your child needs to be cherished because you never know what will happen. That is why I smile at my belly every day even though I hate the way I look now that I'm pregnant and tell my daughter I love her because I never know what will happen next.